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Monday, November 30, 2009

Do Not Read This!

Do not read this!

You’re still reading this. It very clearly states in the line above “Do not read this!” yet even though you have been very directly instructed not to read this, you continue to read this. Stop.

No, really, stop. Right now, right here, just stop reading. You’re still reading.

This warning is for your own protection. But you just continue, you’re reading right now, aren’t you? You’re thinking, “I’m not going to not read this because I was told not to…” Is it not informative that the things you are told to read you resist as well. If this was entitled "Read This!" you wouldn't have made it past the title, like as not. But defiance is clearly compelling. You were told not to read this but you’re still reading anyway.

Yep, just reading away.

You shouldn’t be, you were told not to. Right? It says “Do not read this” (emphasis added) very clearly on the top. If you don’t understand English (or whatever the hell people of the USA speak) you shouldn’t be reading this anyway, you can not understand the words typing out of my fingers.

And you’re still reading.

And you’re still reading.

The reason you were told not to read this is that it is pointless, there is nothing being said here. And yet, even though you were warned, repeatedly, that you would at best be disappointed, and you can see there is no real point to any of this, you continue reading. With the full knowledge, that at the end of this you’ll get nothing for your trouble. You might as well have read something that somebody wanted you to read.

Well, here it is.
Sevenly (The Magnificent 7) Blog

The following song Sevenly (The Magnificent 7) is my personal tribute to the genius that, thanks to the marvels of audio-visual recording was, is and will always be with us (if we maintain even a slight spark of intelligence) George Carlin. Be warned, all who read beyond (and those brave enough to listen) there is considerable adult material (funny how childish most adult material seems, eh?) in the words that follow. George, I suspect, wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

Funny story: Got a call from Keith (I’m gonna include actual first names of participants, but change their personalities to protect their anonymity) bout 4 weekends back, but because my cell phone display was damaged in an emotional display, I didn’t realize I had missed his call until a bit after the fact – so I returned his call on the following Tuesday. He was active and suggested he’d call back which he did, Wednesday.

During our discourse he invited me to join him for an evening with John Cleese in LBC (top of the food chain I’m told). I, of course, wisely accepted (and hilarity ensued). Later that night when I telephonically recounted said invite to Robin the question of his age came up, (Cleese not Keith, who is a 27 year old longshoreman in Pomona, interesting because they have no shores in Pomona).

As one who is properly Wikied, no question of such a nature need go unanswered and I found on his Wikipedia page that John is 70 (and he confirmed it during our evening later). After Robin (who is a 47 year old acrobat and high wire walker – or high, wired walker, my notes are a bit scrambled) and I completed our call I continued on to Mr. Cleese whose page was still glowing before me, here in Studio C in lovely Northridge, lower middle of the food chain.

Turns out he did a recording as narrator on Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells II – you may recall Tubular Bells was part of the Exorcist soundtrack, ever so long ago. The fellow who did the original narration on the first album was Vivian Stanshall. Vivian headed a band called the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band in the 60s and early 70s. Fun stuff.

As one is prone to do when engaged in full Wiki, I clicked on Vivian’s link and refreshed my information in his regard – a strange and talented fellow indeed. I linked to the Bonzo’s, then to his partner in musical dada, Neil Innes. Neil you may recognize as Sir Robin’s number one minstrel in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. After clicking around Innes-land a bit I discovered he was a contestant in a music challenge called Song Fu, put on by View Askew, put on by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier.

Song Fu is a ‘competition’ where participants are given a week to compose, record and present a song about a subject announced online. As this kinda thing seemed right up my alley I linked to Quick Stop Entertainment and to my surprise discovered that that very day the 5th Song Fu challenge had been announced and was accepting participants. Owing to the serendipity of my Wiki discovery I became two of them then bowed out as one to not deny someone else a spot.

Owing to Kevin Smith employing George in some of the last films he was in, and to Smith’s penchant for using the 7 Dirty Words ingrained into the zeitgeist by Mr. Carlin liberally in his film and other public discourse, I made a completely uneducated guess as to what the challenge would be – I guessed (aloud to others so it has been confirmed outside of this odd head) the challenge would be to write a song incorporating one or all of George’s 7DW. This before I did even the minimal research into the nature of the prior competitions. That’s just how nuts I am.

So my guess turned out to be wrong, the first challenge wasn’t to use one or more of the 7 dirty words, it was to write about one of 700 mole-men. I gave them Hydrostatic Charlie. Charlie was not loved. But unlike other competitions, Song Fu allows it’s losers to compete in subsequent rounds, (at least round 2) so I swallowed my pride (it comes in bottles now) and agreed to the second challenge: write a song about a number.

This struck me as uber-coincidental. Had I received Keith’s call directly I wouldn’t looked up Mr. Cleese’s age. Had I not looked up his age, I wouldn’t have followed the link through Mr. Stanshall, the Bonzos and of course Mr. Innes. Without the Innes link, I wouldn’t have heard of Song Fu. It was like everything I did unwittingly pushed me toward this contest.

Couple that with my guess that the competition would incorporate some factor of the 7 Dirty Words – write a song about one of 700 mole-men, write a song about a number. Cleese is 70, Carlin 71 when he pegged, I’ve got a numerologists wet dream on my hands. Better wipe that up, I’ll be right back.

Before I learned of the first challenge I began the groundwork for the song, made some notes, gathered my 7s. When the second challenge had a number attached to it, my course was clear – I would write the ultimate 7 Dirty Words song. But I realized there were many other 7 type opportunities. The challenge was then to myself, competition be darned (come on, I had to) – flog the paradigm until I couldn’t fit a 7 in there sideways. (There’s still room for more but to labor the point makes play into work, eh?)

I decided to combine the 7DW with the 7 Deadly Sins for the first verse then built a decent chorus. I started musically with the objective to compose everything in 7s – all drums, bass, guitar, and mallets are played in sequences of 7. By the time I had completed the lyric, I had 2 pages of 7s – it would be a long song. How long? 7 minutes.

But could that be enough? I had 7 days (about 77 hours) to complete it and send it off. I had structured the first verse around the 7s (all lines are either 7 words or 7 syllables in length – the first line of the main and second verses is split based upon rhyme structure).

But I still had to add or subtract the number of verses to make them 7s as well. At the end I added the horrible nursery rhyme thing at the beginning which brought me to 7 separate vocal parts (three of them chorus which changes every time). Though the nursery rhyme is 4 lines, the musical diversion is 7, so don’t bust my nuts.

For you consideration and with deepest respect for George Carlin I offer you:
Sevenly (The Magnificent 7)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
All good children are in hell
After what we done to heaven
You’ll agree it’s just as well
Do you lust
Do you disgust
Do you shit right where you eat
Are you a glutton
Pop a button
Do you piss up on your feet
Are you not greedy
Oh, yes indeedy
Do you fuck folks in the seat
Are you not lazy
So slothful, hazy
Are you a cunt that won’t compete
Are you wrathful
Have a bath full
Some cocksucker in concrete
Are you envious
Of some one’s penis
Motherfuckers manly meat
Does all your pride
Then reside
In your tits or your conceit
All will now hail the magnificent seven
Deadly sins - words you should not say
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Don’t let reason get in the way
Don’t let reason get in the way
Don’t let reason get in the way
Don’t let reason get in the way
Rolling a seven
Pouring one or two
Have them dwarves bring one to you
Seven gun salute
Wonders old and new
The seas and continents that they imbue
Seven day week
Daze in May too
Seven years war before d├ętente did renew
How bout Samurai
Doc Lao’s faces accrue
Solomon Brothers did collapse in a coup
Those laws of Noah
Mary’s joys few
Too bad the mirror looks like you
7 years bad luck looking at you (4 times)
All must now hail the magnificent seven
As busy before as it is today
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Got a 7 Up at the 7/11
On 7th street in the skids
Met a guy with seven wives
7 times that many kids
Educated liberal arts
Highly effective habits
7 pillars of wisdom
Lucky we fuck like rabbits
My 7 incher isn’t vinyl
The 7 mile ain’t what I rode
7 card stud not sofa spud
7 year itch I explode
7 card stud not sofa spud
7 year itch I explode
Aw won’t you hail the magnificent seven
Deadly sins - words you should not say
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Don’t let reason get in the way
Some one please hail the magnificent seven
As busy before as it is today
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way
Never let reason get in the way